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Blades of Glory

November 15, 2015

BOGFigure skating is a sport that historically has celebrated a kind of theatricality and flamboyance that is seldom appreciated in organized athletics. Furthermore, it’s an Olympic-level sport that has promoted (and seemingly is supported by) a number of men who are widely recognized, however quietly, as being gay — something that is almost unheard of in other sports.

This film is camp but how dated and pathetic machismo-laden perceptions of masculinity really are.

It’s about straight-male bonding, fear of intimacy, and masculinity — and figure skating.

It wasn’t until 1996 that a figure skater came out as a gay man while still competing at the Olympic-eligible level (Rudy Galindo). Since then, male skaters have been curiously silent, signifying that the skating industry is not as outwardly gay-friendly as one might assume. As with many other sports, the attitude seems to be that it is not OK to be an out gay man and an athlete, and many closeted performers have found a considerable amount of internalized homophobia and anti-effeminate prejudice within the skating world.

A crazed fan repeatedly says, “God bless you Jimmy, God bless your heart.” Chazz, who has a tattoo featuring the Chinese yin and yang symbol, mutters an adapted version of the so-called Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity not to have sex …” and so on.

Jon Heder spent two years in Japan as a Mormon missionary, and learned to speak Japanese fluently. He showcases this talent during the press conference when he responds flawlessly to a reporter’s question posed in Japanese.

Jimmy: So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.

Coach: Oh, really?

Chazz: We’re gonna dance to one song, and one song only: “Lady Humps” by the Blackeyed Peas. “What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I’m a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps.”

Jimmy: [disgusted] I’m not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don’t even know what that means.

Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative…

Jimmy: No, it’s not, it’s gross…

Chazz: …It gets the people going!

Jimmy: I see you got FAT!

Chazz: I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!

Jimmy: I don’t share rooms!

Chazz: I don’t share SHIT! [pause] The night is a very dark time for me…

Jimmy: [to Chazz] It’s dark for everyone, moron!

Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles!

Chazz: [to Jimmy’s voice mail] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I’d go as Robin. That’s how much you mean to me…

Chazz: Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.

Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn’t it?

Jimmy: Did you just say mind-bottling?

Chazz: Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?

[In front of enormous “Capture The Dream” sign] Chazz: Let’s capture the dream.

Jimmy: Capture the-wow I love it. Where’d you come up with that?

Chazz: I have no idea where I came up with that.

Jimmy: Cool.

Chazz: Let’s kick some ice.

Hector: I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday… It’s coming up…

Jimmy: Get out of my face.

Chazz: I’ll get inside your face.

Chazz: Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you’ve officially given me a boner!

Chazz: We love you Denver! City by the Bay!

Chazz: Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.

Chazz: Did you carve up any ice… with your weiner?

Coach: You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?

Chazz: I am NEVER satisfied! It’s a curse.

Hector: It’s embarrassing stalking a has-been.

Chazz: [while Jimmy is giving a speech] That’s retarded

Chazz: [while trying to cut off the rope tied on his feet using one of his skate blades] Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!

Chazz: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Bryce: Are you drunk?

Chazz: No, but this oughta do it [smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks]

Bryce: I’d fire you… if you weren’t so goddamn beautiful out there. [pause] Bryce: You smell like urine.

Chazz: A lot?

Chazz: I think I see the Virgin Mary!

Jimmy: No, that’s not her.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Nothing breaks up a team faster than…

Stranz Van Waldenberg: Herpes! Uh… jealousy.

Jimmy: You ruined my dreams!

Chazz: Dreams? Shit, I haven’t had one of those in years.

Jimmy: Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I’ll punch you in your crap-lousy face!

Chazz: Hey, this ends tonight!

Jimmy: It’s daytime, you douche!

Co-Anchor: [Describing Chazz] Chazz Michael Michaels: an ice-devouring sex tornado.

Co-Anchor: [about Chazz] The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Two men skating together? And in our division, no less! Why, Stranz? Why is God singling us out to the greatest suffering the world has ever known?

Stranz Van Waldenberg: I don’t know, sis; those two are just a couple of freaks.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Yeah, and the media loves freaks.

Chazz: [talking to the press] This is my brother. And this is my brother’s new girlfriend and she is NOT a whore!

Chazz: No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.

Chazz: This guy could not hold my jock sweat.

Jimmy: I could hold it all day long, try me!

Chazz: Maybe I will.

Jimmy: Maybe you should.

Chazz: You challenging me, princess?

Jimmy: I’m not inviting you to the Skating Federation’s annual Christmas party.

Chazz: Then bring it on!

Jimmy: It is on!

Hector: [to Jimmy after he’s told him of a loophole in the rules of competitive figure skating that will allow him to skate again] Oh, I’m still going to kill you someday! [nods and walks away]

Coach: You’re the girl.

Jimmy: What?

Chazz: You’re my pretty lady, MacElroy.

Jimmy: Wait, why?

Coach: Because you whine like one! [turns to Chazz] And no one can lift your fat ass, you’re on a diet starting now.

Chazz: And that’s why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn’t belong in here [pointing to heart] it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don’t care because now I’ve got a brother [grabs Jimmy] this is my brother [grabs Katie] and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I’m in a lot of pain I think I’m gonna barf.

Jimmy: Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital.

Chazz: What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.

Jimmy: I’m getting sick, you smell like aftershave and taco meat!

Hector: I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood?

Chazz: Ahh, my nutsack!

Chazz: Don’t make me kill her!

Chazz: She’s as cold as the ice she skates on. She’s like dry ice. No, wait! She’s colder than that. What’s colder than dry ice?

Jimmy: I don’t know

Chazz: I’ll tell you what is, Oksana.

Chazz: [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance]

Jimmy: Was the fire really necessary?

Chazz: Ask THEM.

Chazz: [Referring to his program] I hope you’ve brought your silver polish, MacElroy, ’cause that was gold.

Jimmy: That was disgusting.

Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.

[Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video] Coach: [confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Let’s try an Iron Lotus.

Chazz: Are you nuts?

Jimmy: Wha…? We can’t do that!

Coach: C’mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That’s why it didn’t work. You’re two men… you should be fine.

[Chazz and Jimmy have tied for the Gold Medal in Men’s Singles] Darren MacElroy: You’re fired.

Coach: What? I got him a Gold Medal.

Darren MacElroy: No, you got him half a Gold Medal. If I wanted him to share, I would have gotten him a brother.

Random Guy: You mean, that blonde chick’s a dude?

Sports Anchor: [Referring to their medals] And how heavy is that gold around your necks?

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Scott, this may be solid gold, but to us it’s lighter than air, because dreams never weigh you down.

Stranz Van Waldenberg: No. Dreams are in your sleep.

Chazz: [backstage at “Grublets On Ice”] I hate my life.

Chazz: You’re living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, we’re living in the HERE and NOW.

Chazz: [drunk while performing in “Grublets On Ice”] Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes! [drunk while performing in “Grublets On Ice”] I just threw up in here, people. That’s the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a… Ugh, encore! [begins throwing up again]

Random Guy: [holding a hot dog bun with two hot dogs in it] Let me ask you something. Does that look right to you?

Surly Reporter – Montreal: Jimmy Macelroy stands alone, and you got to wonder what’s going on.

Reporter – Montreal: Well, this is Rice without Montana. Ali without Frasier. Han Solo without Chewbacca.

Coach: [interjecting as Chazz and Jimmy are arguing] All right, this is gonna stop right now! From here on out, you guys are a team. Do you understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together, you are going to pee together, you’re gonna file a joint income tax return; practice starts now! End of discussion!

Stranz Van Waldenberg: [referring to Jimmy and Chazz] Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks.

Co-Anchor: Jimmy may be renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott, but after that performance, he’s starting to reek… Of gold.

Darren MacElroy: [referring to the fans] They may look cute and innocent, but they’re nothing but a beehive for germs and bacteria.

Chazz: Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you’re too late; they already handed out the girls’ medals this morning.

Jimmy: Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.

Chazz: I was on quaaludes, I don’t even REMEMBER Oslo.

Coach: Figure skating? Give it up, Jimmy! It’s like a cruel bitch mother!

Chazz: Two men skating? That’s a riot. A laugh riot.

Coach: I don’t see what’s so funny.

Chazz: If you were as drunk as me, you would.

[first lines] Darren MacElroy: [watching a young Jimmy skate at an orphanage] I’ll take him.

Chazz: You know what dude, your hand has to be on top.

Jimmy: No way, the girl’s goes on top.

Chazz: Yeah, ergo, chick.

Jimmy: I’m not the girl, I’m stronger!

Chazz: No, I’M stronger, and don’t have a vagina.

Co-Anchor: These two put the “bone” in Zamboni.

Coach: What do you guys have that all other teams don’t have?

Chazz: Twin dongs?

Darren MacElroy: I’m un-adopting you.

Jimmy: What?

Darren MacElroy: Well, legally I’m disowning you.

Jimmy: I call top.

Chazz: Sorry, I already called it in my head…

Jimmy: No, you can’t do that, that doesn’t count.

Chazz: Yes it does.

Jimmy: They’re laughing at us.

Chazz: Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he’s up there, laughing at them.

Darren MacElroy: Banned for life. That’s a long time.

Jimmy: [to Katie] I like your… buttons.

Jimmy: When I was eight, my dad had me get a circumcision to minimalize air resistance.

[Jimmy and Katie have just kissed] Katie Van Waldenberg: You’ve been practicing.

Jimmy: Chazz taught me some stuff.

Hector: Look, I almost gave up on you. I started working with that Ukrainian skater, you know, the one who looks like Elvis? And I moved to the Ukraine, and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup.

[Darren is ‘unadopting’ Jimmy] Jimmy: I’ve been your son for 26 years.

Darren MacElroy: 22, so no one can say I didn’t try.

Jimmy: I’ve never fallen in a competition before. Just take my hand and we can get through this.

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From → Film, Sexuality

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