Skip to content

Dogma

September 23, 2015

DaMeant to be funny but it’s also a theological reflection…and a call to the Church to focus on things that matter (like living life to the fullest, helping those in need, honoring and respecting all, expecting respect in return) rather than those that don’t (like…well, dogma [doctrines/church laws] or any belief that causes us to “draw a line in the sand,” condemning to hell or perdition any who disagree with us).

Two mischievous angels who were laid off by God.. Finding themselves banned to Wisconscin, they set out for New Jersey where they find a loophole that will allow them to re-enter heaven. The only problem is it will destroy humanity. An abortion clinic worker, the 13th apostle, a stripper/muse, and mischievous mall rats Jay and Silent Bob band together to stop them.

Cardinal Glick gives a presentation at a church telling about the various changes that are going to be made to boost Catholicism’s fading image, including a new, more uplifting symbol for Jesus, the Buddy Christ, and a rededication of a century-old church. With a Papal sanction, anybody who enters the church on the day of the rededication ceremony will have all their sins forgiven, and be given a morally clean slate. This catches the attention of the two fallen angels.

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you’re thinking about guys.
[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!
[he rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate]
Bartleby: Wings, now.
Loki: I’m feeling a little exposed here…
Bartleby: DO IT!

Bartleby: “I do believe in this.” What does that mean?

Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatrend: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one’s even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn’t sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that’s it.
Bethany: What’s the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.

 

Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name – wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn’t good?
Rufus: I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can’t generate. Life becomes stagnant.

Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it’s a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it’s not nearly as impressive. Just doesn’t have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this…
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don’t use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there’s a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I’m sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.

 

Nun: Let me get this straight: you don’t believe in God because of “Alice in Wonderland”?
Loki: No, “Through the Looking Glass”. That poem, “The Walrus and the Carpenter,” that’s an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter’s son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don’t know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one’s inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, “Do it… do it and I’ll fuckin’ spank you.”
Bartleby: [Bartleby is listening from a nearby seat]
[quietly]
Bartleby: Oh, geez…
Nun: The way you put it… I never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I…
Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take this money that you’ve been collecting for your parish, go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment, ’cause that’s really all that life is, Sister. It’s a series of moments. Why don’t you seize yours?
[the nun hesitates, then smiles, nods, and leaves]
Loki: That-a girl. Ah.
[he turns around and sits next to Bartleby with a grin on his face]
Bartleby: You know, here’s what I don’t get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You’ve been in His presence. He’s spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it, I love to keep those guys on their toes.

Rufus: Are you saying you believe?
Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

 

 

Bethany: What’s he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He’s got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There’s nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it’s mostly a joke down here, too.

 

 

Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God’s true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.

 

Loki: The last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I’d go get laid. But we can do that next best thing.
Bartleby: What’s that?
Loki: Let’s kill people.
[Lady next to Loki spits out her coffee] Loki: [to lady] Oh, not you.

Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don’t celebrate your faith; you mourn it.

 

 

Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It’s not about who’s right or wrong. No denomination’s nailed it yet, and they never will because they’re all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn’t matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up.

[about Christ] Rufus: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.

Loki: Church laws are fallible because they’re created by man.

Bartleby: You know, here’s what I don’t get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He’s spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes.

 

Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: That’s one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks.

 

Rufus: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: So that would make Bethany… part black?

Bethany: I don’t want this, it’s too big.
Metatron: That’s what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father – not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy’s frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God’s only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I’ll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I’ve never told anyone before… If I had the power, I would have.

Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you’re young, the glass is small, and it’s easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn’t fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
Bethany: You’re suggesting I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It’s been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That’a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn’t do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think that God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.

 

Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they’re speaking to me. Or they’re talking to themselves.

Metatron: So once he’s done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now, Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention that Loki’s already half in the bag. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn’t involve slaughter. So – very inebriated – Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.

Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.

 

Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God’s Heaven. But as soon as they hear they’re getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can’t be your Savior.

 

Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.

 

 

Bethany: You’re saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

[On Christ] Rufus: The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it.

 

 

Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that’s the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook ’em while they’re young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

 

Rufus: I’m telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church’s silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made.

 

Rufus: Jesus wasn’t white, Jesus was black.
Bethany: Well then why did he get written about and you didn’t?
Rufus: Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin’ me out’s okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from.
Jay: Are you buying any of this shit?

 

[first lines] Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism WOW, Cardinal Glick.
Cardinal Glick: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse… even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal… both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn’t come to Earth to give us the willies… He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we’ve come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the “Catholicism WOW. ” campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you… The Buddy Christ. Now that’s not the sanctioned term we’re using for the symbol, just something we’ve been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn’t it… pop? Buddy Christ…

 

 

[about the protesters outside the Abortion Clinic] Liz: You’re Catholic, can’t you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more than you. At least you have an excuse, you’re Jewish, you don’t know any better.
Liz: I don’t think they’d accept that one, we used that one already when we killed Christ.

Rufus: People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure, regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartlteby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you and me, all of this, ends in a heartbeat. All in a belief.

To return to the home page, click on the header at the top of this page.

Advertisements

From → Film

Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: